Last night we took the kids for the dreaded Family photo shoot at the Real Canadian Superstore. For anyone who hasn’t been through it - you get a twenty minute time slot to get 2 overtired kids, sitting together and smiling perfectly, in at least 2 outfits each, and over 5 different poses.
And, we got the only slot left – the 6 pm dinner time slot.
Sure, no problem. Parents unite. We can overcome this setup for failure.
Only, my Kidlet #2 can’t sit up by himself - a time chewing disadvantage.
I have been a delinquent Mommy and have cut short his ‘tummy time’ too often.
And now, smell the shame…
I have a slow-sitter. Mommy fail.
Kidlet #2 is now over 7 months old, and according to the pediatricians, he should be sitting all by himself by this age. The average baby will learn to sit and roll over between 4 and 7 months.
To avoid Sudden Infant Death Syndrome (SIDS) it is recommended that all babies sleep on their backs. So to strengthen neck, stomach and back muscles in babies, parents are encouraged to place their infants on their tummies for 30 minutes a day. This ‘tummy time’ also helps them to get ready to push up, roll over, sit up, and stand.
But, I hate ‘tummy time’.
It stressed me out with Kidlet #1 and hasn’t gotten any better with Kidlet #2.
For me, this was the first milestone-making Mommy task that was emotionally counterintuitive. You worry about every little thing with a baby. The shape of their head. Is it too flat? The milk. Too much? Too little? The bath water. Too hot? Too cold? The diaper. Too wet? Or can it take one more load?
And then, you are supposed abandon all that instinctual parental conditioning and place your child tummy down with inadequately formed muscles to lift his own head.
As a new Mommy, there is nothing quite like the first time you flip your precious child on his stomach only to watch him try desperately raise his head and seek out the comfort in he only finds in your smiling face - only to suddenly have his neck give out. His eyes bulge, he buckles, and inevitably bounces his skull off the floor, bursting into fits of shocked tears.
It’s horrifying.
And, I didn’t realize it, but our play mat has a section with a sewn in squeaky toy. So one time, my sweet Kidlet crashed his head and the toy squealed on like the car horn in that scene from the movie “Little Miss Sunshine” until I removed him.
So ‘tummy time’ wasn’t going well.
The ever-so-helpful-internet recommends getting down on the floor to baby eye level and using eye contact, praise and toys to incent him to practice lifting his head.
Well, thanks internet. That just sets up distractions so your child smashes a nose or chin instead of a forehead.
Spread the bruising around, I suppose.
The ever-so-helpful-internet also says you can lie down on the floor and put the baby on your chest.
Husband found out first-hand that this is just an invitation for baby to arch his back, raise his head, and spit up directly in your mouth. Amusing for me, but he wasn’t so keen.
Needless to say, we stopped using ever-so-helpful-internet and just let our Kidlets develop stomach muscles at a more natural, yet slower pace, by using the exer-saucer, bouncer and high chair, etc.
But apparently, that leads to Mommy shame in the portrait studio as you are questioned “Can’t he sit, yet?” repeatedly.
Clearly, portrait studio employees do not understand that developmental ‘tummy time’ is a front row seat to watch your child helplessly bash his face into his colorful discovery play mat repeatedly - until he can bash no more.
I believe ‘tummy time’ can lead to one of or both of the following outcomes:
1. If your child likes it – the repetitive head slamming will undoubtedly come back in his teens to haunt you. He’ll morph into a heavy metal headbanger. Black will be his favorite color - a direct result from all the induced blackouts at 4 months old – and forever more, all his t-shirts will have some sort of skull on them.
2. If your child hates it – it will be the systematic destruction of parent/child trust and lead to teen rebellion. After repeated ‘tummy time’ sessions, your child will not want to do anything you suggest, ever again.
Think about it. It wasn’t the joint at the Led Zepplin concert that led to headbanging.
It was their unsuspecting Mommies.
Weren’t all the mothers in the 50s & 60s told to put their children tummy down to bed & nap? By 1970, we were inundated by headbangers.
Then the powers that be told Mommies to put babies on their backsides to bed, and the percentage of headbangers per capita significantly dropped.
Artists like Rick Astley & Corey Hart thrived.
That was, until ‘tummy time’ was introduced by some Spinal Tap loving pediatrician.
But before any of you rocker Mommies get your Ramones t-shirt in a twist, I want you to know that I have nothing against headbangers.
· I used to date them.
· They provide the necessary ambience at Casino Rama concerts.
· I may have even been one, a pathetic one mind you, in the ever-so-surprising mosh pit at a Sugar Ray concert.
Headbangers have their place in this world, like everybody else.
I just don’t want to raise one.
I’ve got my Tiger Mommy sights set on a Nobel prize-winning, Harvard graduating, doctor specialist (or lawyer or such), who enjoys life, marries the perfect girl, has beautiful grandkids for us, buys the house next door, and eternally loves his Mother above all else.
All the preschool & tween love and attention I lavish on my children is intentional and an all-out effort to bond and fuse them to me.
I see it as a kind of Mommy insurance - so they could not possibly go off plan, get into trouble, flunk school or ever rebel in any way against me when we hit the teen years.
I figure I have between the age of 0 and 12 to set this in concrete & hormone resistant place.
Kidlet has a lot to accomplish.
There is no time for a detour into the headbanging or the teen rebellion world.
Now, I don’t want you Alpha mothers who have complied with the 30 minutes of tummy time per day to worry too much.
There is still a chance your child won’t be a joint-rolling headbanging teen nightmare.
But, watch for the signs. The worrisome baby behaviors that evolve from ‘tummy time’ may include, but are not limited to:
- Moshing - This is most commonly witnessed post-sugar-high in bouncy castles.
- Stage diving - Previously known as toddler couch diving. Attend any organized playdate and you’ll see the group dynamic in action.
- Crowd surfing - Have you been to the ball pit at IKEA? Those urine coated balls are a pure Scandinavian adrenaline rush that may send your child fearlessly flying into the toddler masses. It’s a bad IKEA, and it’s not worth the $1 hot dog and the free Allen key.
- Your kid lines his Fruit rollup with Jello powder, rolls it, and passes it around to his buddies.
If you are seeing any of these behaviors in your child already, this is your red flag, your wake up call.
With just a little more fine and gross motor development, your precious angel will flip you the sign of the devil horns and the Gene Simmons tongue as he crowd surfs out the flap of the bouncy castle in your direction.
You need to stop this before he bites the head off the rubber bat he stole from the Halloween display at Target and/or snorts live ants on the playground like Ozzy Osbourne.
My educated guess is that they don’t let those kids into Harvard no matter how high their MENSA score.
I recommend putting junior immediately in collared shirts, khaki pants, advanced math and classical violin lessons. Dork him up. ‘Dork’ is your new Mommy verb. Go all in.
And, don’t let any mulleted Judas Priest loving teen photographer at the Superstore give you any attitude when your next child won’t sit alone at 7 months old.
I didn’t.
Our photographer pulled out buckets, barrels, large trucks and everything imaginable to prop Kidlet #2 into a stance that wouldn’t emphasize the belly and make him look like baby Buddha.
Husband took direction well. He writhed around on the backdrop trying to prop up Kidlet but keep his hands out of lens way.
It wasn’t pretty, but we came, and we conquered, the family photo shoot.
© Christy Pieroway and "Am I Blogging Nuts? Don't Answer That." cpieroway.blogspot.ca, 2012. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Christy Pieroway and "Am I Blogging Nuts? Don't Answer That." cpieroway.blogspot.ca with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.
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